How do I heal my soul?

There’s always been pain in my life. All I can trace or remember is that. A long time ago I realized that there’s always been and it will be there for ever, and of course I want it gone, after all if you have a headache that is killing you the normal response is to take a pain killer that would get rid of it once and for all.

I am hopeless at this point. I am not saying that I “feel” hopeless. I am defining being hopeless as an intrinsic part of my being. The only solution to finish with the sensation, with the agony of being alive is to kill myself.

I have learnt to become quite accustomed with the idea, knowing deep in my heart that nothing else will work. When the pain is so overwhelming that there is no sense in pretending is not there, how else does one manage it? But I am not a selfish person, I’ve never been, and causing sorrow to the only person that ever cared for me is unthinkable. Yet the idea never leaves me.

I know as a certainty that even that little thread of hope will drift away from me. Sometime I wish I never met him, that the happiness he  brought to my life was never there. And I see it as kind of ironic that now that is so clear to me what I have to do is when he decides to show up. I waited for him forever, even as a kid I knew that he existed somewhere and that one day he was going to come to my aide and save me; ironic as life is that my prince is finally here on his white horse but the princess can’t be saved. She is already dead.

Inside, the destructive force of a mental illness has weaken her soul and one day, not to far from today, dead will claim her as yet another one of his brides.


I wonder…

I wonder what of my life is left. A lot of time in the past I wished my life was mapped, I have the sensation that it is, is just that I don’t have the blueprints.

Wouldn’t be easier if all the decisions that you make in your life time were already taken? To know already the path you have selected? It wouldn’t be fun but at least it would be safe, and safety it’s always something everybody could use a little bit of.

I sometimes feel like I am being guided through the journey we call life, as if a voice is whispering in my ear to let me know the route. But sometimes the voices are so loud I can barely stand it, and sometimes, and these are the moments I dread the most, they are barely audible.

There is a medical term to define this particular state of mind. It is called schizophrenia.

Does that mean I am crazy, or am I the only one sane?