Archive for April, 2011

There’s always been pain in my life. All I can trace or remember is that. A long time ago I realized that there’s always been and it will be there for ever, and of course I want it gone, after all if you have a headache that is killing you the normal response is to take a pain killer that would get rid of it once and for all.

I am hopeless at this point. I am not saying that I “feel” hopeless. I am defining being hopeless as an intrinsic part of my being. The only solution to finish with the sensation, with the agony of being alive is to kill myself.

I have learnt to become quite accustomed with the idea, knowing deep in my heart that nothing else will work. When the pain is so overwhelming that there is no sense in pretending is not there, how else does one manage it? But I am not a selfish person, I’ve never been, and causing sorrow to the only person that ever cared for me is unthinkable. Yet the idea never leaves me.

I know as a certainty that even that little thread of hope will drift away from me. Sometime I wish I never met him, that the happiness he  brought to my life was never there. And I see it as kind of ironic that now that is so clear to me what I have to do is when he decides to show up. I waited for him forever, even as a kid I knew that he existed somewhere and that one day he was going to come to my aide and save me; ironic as life is that my prince is finally here on his white horse but the princess can’t be saved. She is already dead.

Inside, the destructive force of a mental illness has weaken her soul and one day, not to far from today, dead will claim her as yet another one of his brides.


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